Bigtrunk Spotted

Rumor has it – and a dozen or so designated spin-meisters are on record confirming it, that a creature that is part war hero, part political maverick, part long-time Washington insider, member of most exclusive club in America (The US Senate), friend of lobbyists, and (though no identifying marks were seen on the body or anywhere in the convention hall) registered Republican, was seen ambling about the woods and arenas of St. Paul, Minnesota this week, giving speeches and grinning foolishly. Unfortunately for true believers, this time there is no over-sized freezer with what appears to be a submerged rubber elephant, no fuzzy long-distance photograph of a similar mutant pachyderm with strategically placed foliage, and no you-tube video of the good old boys who first encountered - what the press are calling, Bigtrunk! Sceptics assert that this is just another case of a mythic creature comprised of – perhaps ingeniously, body parts from a dozen separate conservatives. “This is nothing new“ – Frank Mand, a spokesmen for SORB told BFHH. “Republicans have tried on all sorts of costumes over the last dozen years. They were Reagan Republicans, Compassionate Conservatives, Terrorism Experts, and now they’re agents of change. “Read my lips,” Mand concluded, “Bigtrunk does not exist.”

Big Foot in Mouth

I think the government should start issuing Bigfoot Hunter Hunting Licenses. Personally, I think it should be open season on Bigfoot Hunters, but I’m willing to compromise. Maybe there should be a limit of about ten Bigfoot Hunters, per season, per BFHH. They’re actually pretty easy to catch – sometimes they throw themselves under the wheels of passing journalists, so it’s going to be very important that we limit the number of licenses we give out. We need to manage the herd, so to speak. Of course juveniles will be strictly off limits: its not even clear if every kid with an interest in Bigfoot will develop into a full-fledged Bigfoot Hunter. Some juvenile Bigfoot Hunters may be just going through a phase in which Poke-mon, Bat-mon, and Big-foot-mon have the same, vague asexual appeal. Also – contrary to many other wildlife management techniques, we probably won't be limiting the number of female Bigfoot Hunters that you can bag in a season. According to the information I have, there’s really no difference between the male and female varieties of Bigfoot Hunter: both are crazy SOBs with an instinct for self-promotion and a carton full of tee-shirts to sell. One of the most contentious issues will likely be just where we should be allowed to hunt for Bigfoot Hunters. While the wide-open spaces of our national forests and parks are probably the safest, BFH are actually very seldom seen in the areas where their intended prey - the actual Bigfoot, are supposed to be found. Most Bigfoot Hunters are found on the Internet - large herds have been spotted on YouTube, and the most prized sub-species, the Big-Mouthed Bigfoot Hunter, is most likely to be found at conferences of like-minded creatures in the rural communities of Georgia, Pennsylvania, and Humboldt County, California. There are actually some towns in rural Georgia where, along with signs for the Rotary and the Masons, there are signs at the town border noting that “The Sasquatch Club meets every third Wednesday at 7 p.m. at Stuckeys.” I like the idea of being able to hunt, and have a Pecan Log, in the same restaurant. I've even seen 'head cheese' on the menu at a Dairy Queen in West Virginia - but that's another story. Of course, even if you're shooting at close range, at Stuckeys or any conference venue, you always have to keep in mind that it is difficult differentiating actual Bigfoot Hunters from other Common Assholes. Especially at conferences, or at RV parks, Bigfoot Hunters are often seen in the company of the Lesser Thrill Seeker, the Bald-headed Beast Blogger, and the Tattooed Pseudo-Scientist. Only the Tattooed Pseudo-Scientist (TPS) is an acceptable target – with a similar range and an overlapping hunting season. But if you make a mistake, and bag a TPS out of season, you can expect to incur a stiff fine and most likely have to endure the adulation of Fox News’ commentators. Regardless of the difficulties, I think the American public now realizes that Bigfoot Hunters are a serious problem that requires an immediate remedy. At a time when our airwaves, I-Pods, and fiber-optic cables should be humming with rumors and innuendo about our Presidential candidates, their bandwidth is taken up, instead, by grainy images of fresh-frozen Halloween costumes, Possum-recipes, and hairless coyote. There should be room for a wider variety of crap on the Internet, and with proper Bigfoot Hunter herd management, there can be. Are you with me? If you sign up now, I will discount my best-selling Bigfoot Hunter Hunting Safari Adventure Package – which normally sells for $795, by $100, and throw in a ‘Bag the Big One: Bigfoot Hunter Hunter’ tee-shirt for free. (Just kidding, the tee shirt is $16.99)